Monday, January 25, 2010

Tears Inside Me

Since we've come to our senses, one particular thing has been part and parcel of our lives, classes. So now that our classes are all over, it's been a little hard for us all to accept the situation we're being thrust into. It's hard to imagine that I'm not gonna wake in a hurry anymore, putting on the clothes as fast as I can, grabbing my bag and dashing out of home without taking breakfast, to catch the first class. There will be no more staring at the white (or black) board and struggling to keep up with the pace of the lecturer, no more staring blankly into the eyes of the teacher, not understanding a word yet pretending to know it all. No more attending the quizzes with zero preparation and not regretting about it at all. Not gonna have to submit anymore lab reports, although most I did was change the font of someone else's hard work. But above everything else, the most striking fact is that there will be no more of friends. Sound too harsh I guess, cuz you're probably thinking, hey friends will always be there. But the fact is, one can never find the friends as they were in the magical times of student life. Without classes we won't be in touch on a regular basis, and without that, relations can never remain the same. Once I differed myself with the last statement. When the classes of school came to an end more than seven years ago, a very close friend of mine mentioned it on a letter he had written me. It sounded strange back then, but I was soon to realize that it was true. The school pals who I couldn't spend a day without talking to, soon started to fade away. We had each others cell numbers, and we still exist in our messenger lists, but something inside us have changed, that prevents us from knocking each other. Harsh as it may sound, the same is bound to happen with my varsity pals as well.
It is probably the realization of this very fact that made all the 'macho men' of our class cry out loud on the last day. I stood at the doorway of our classroom and watched with amazement, that all the grown up friends of mine who would otherwise consider crying as a girly affair, showed no shame in crying on each others' shoulders.
I've always been rather emotionless. When the situation demands a strong reaction in me, the true sense of the situation doesn't settle in into my mind. It's like I'm watching a film without much concentration. So when I really should cry, and my eyes just start to get a little blurry and a clot starts to form in my throat, the stronger part in me holds back the tears, and swallows hard, and keeps a totally indifferent reaction about the face. For this reason, my family members have always labeled me as a totally emotionless person. But yet when all is over, and I'm alone sitting in my room or lying down on my bed, another part of me takes over, and I really wished I could cry, and let it all out. It's a strange dilemma that has been my bane for my whole life so far.
The same sort of thing happened to me when all my pals were crying. I somehow didn't shed a single drop of tear. Instead I was smiling, and took a very good look on the unforgettable scene that unfolded in front of me. But as soon as I came back home, I started to regret how things went. I really wish now that I could let it all out, that I could hold them hard and shed all my tears on the shoulders of Nobin, Shuvro, Pulak, Rumman, Tanim, Imran, Imtiaz, Kanto, Kanon and all the others, and scream out and say "I'm gonna miss you all like you'll never know". May the blessings of the Almighty Allah be upon my dearest pals all through their life, my He keep them all on the Right Path. May Allah keep us together in this life and the next.